Reasonable Doubt
Trite and stupid. Wannabe bad boy with the as yet unidentified tragic past who instead of being the asshole you love to hate is just a stupid asshole you fucking hate. The characters are so cliche, idiotic and OTT that I actually thought I was being punked. In fact, I'm still waiting for the author to jump out of the closet or bathroom Ashton Kutcher style. The writing is mediocre and there's a word in italics in almost every sentence. And no, I'm not exaggerating. There's so much fuckery it's hard to even know what to pinpoint. The random finger banging of a perfect stranger, who is his intern no less, is certainly worth noting. Frankly, I'd rather not waste too much time on this stupid shit so I'll just note the highlights, IMO.
Our hero, Andrew, (who is model hot with an enormous cock, naturally) due to the requisite tragic past, only meets women on the Internet. He chats then up for a week, buys them dinner, gets a hotel room, fucks them and then starts the process all over again before the jizz has even dried. Oh, don't worry, though. Its an expensive dinner and a five star hotel. So, it's all good.
Andrew hates liars. 'I hate fucking liars', he says often. And to his dismay, he finds that a large majority of these 'fuck and chucks' he meets on the Internet have not been completely 100% honest with him. *gasp* 'Cause who lies on the Internetz, amiright? Stupid lying fuglies. O.o
He meets our heroine, Alyssa, on a lawyers only website whose rules are no personal info and no meeting outside of the chat rooms. Andrew's talked a few of these lawyer ladies into meeting and fucking him though, mega-stud that he is, so he's not put off. Alyssa doesn't bite, however, and b/c of their juvenile, kinda gross flirting, he continues their phone and online friendship for an entire six months.
Here is a sample of one of their email convos after his return from leaving one of these deceitful Internet dating site women at a restaurant. Or maybe it's after his secretary tells him how good she is at blowjobs and offers him her virginity, I'm not totally sure.
"Subject: Desert Dick
So, I'm emailing you right now because I just thought about how much pain you're in currently...we haven't talked about you getting laid in quite a while, and that concerns me. Greatly, I've CRIED about your lack of pussy...I'm very sorry that so many women have sent you fraudulent pictures and given you a severe case of blue balls. I'm attaching the links to a top line of lotion that I think you should invest in for the weeks to come.
Your dick is in my prefers.
- Alyssa
Subject: Are: Desert Dick
Thank you for your concerns about my dick. Although, seeing as though you've NEVER discussed getting laid, I think Cobweb Pussy is a far more serious illness. Yes, it us true that so many women have sent me pictures, but it's quite sad that you've never sent me yours, isn't it? I'm more than willing to send you mine, and eventually help you cure your sad and unfortunate disease.
Thank you for telling me that my dick is in your prayers.
I'd prefer if it was in your mouth.
- Thoreau (<--- aka NOT HIS REAL NAME)</b>"
And some more gems from their phone conversations...
"What if the real reason I don't want to meet you is because I'm ugly?
"I have a good feeling you're not"
"But what if I was"
"I'd fuck you with the lights off."
"I prefer the lights on"
"Then I'd make you wear a paper bag over your head"
(Note: the bolded portions are actually in italics in the book. There is at least one word italicized in almost every sentence. Also note: it may have been funny only it doesn't seem like he's joking)
When Alyssa turns out to be Aubrey, a 22 year old law student (not a 27 year old lawyer he thinks she is) who becomes an intern at his firm, Andrew does what any self-respecting twat would do; he makes her his personal intern/barista and treats her like utter shit then physically restrains and finger bangs her in his office mid scolding. At this point, she still doesn't know that he knows who she really is. Don't worry, he tells her while finger-banging her again in his office the next day. And 'cause he's such a smooth dude, he shows up at her apartment later, I can only assume he got the address from her confidential HR files, to tell her what a lying bitch she is while refusing to let her explain, then proceeds to fuck her against the wall and leave. She's cool with this so he fucks her again the next day in his office.
Oh, swoon.
This installment ends on a cliffhanger in which Aubrey throws his coffee in his lap and announces that his wife is there asking to see him. Super.
Yeah, this one was not for me and I definitely won't be wasting my time reading any further.
